A friend recently asked, "May I have your blog address? My computer crashed and I lost all my saved info and I always enjoyed staying up on what's happening with you by reading your blog." UH OH! PRESSURE! I quickly admitted to her that I don't blog much anymore but she still wanted my info. I know blogging is "so yesterday" but I'm not one to be "hip" anyway. I'm always about 2 years behind the lastest trend. Yesterday there was a discussion amongst coworkers how facebook is so old school and twitter is IT. Yeah, well...I'm not on twitter. And I honestly don't ever plan to be.
Besides, blogging is for ME not for anyone out there. I don't care if nobody reads ME. It's my diary of sorts. A way to archive ME. So maybe it will only mean something to someone when I'm gone.
Okay...done with the disclaimer. All that to say, I've been offline for awhile...due to the topic of my last post. Since the anemia discovery, I've been inundated with doctors appointments, stabbed with needles eight times, paid a boatload of copays (I don't even want to add them up), spent two days in the hospital, been buried in insurance paperwork, and laid in bed for a week doing absolutely nothing. And I must say, of everything on that list, the last item was the strangest of all. I literally laid around with zero capacity. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't read, couldn't pray, couldn't even think. It was the strangest feeling laying around, without pain, but completely helpless. I was even too tired to get bored. I was too tired to even feel any emotion. One would think with all that time on my hands, my mind would race. Nope...it was useless, too. At one point in the hospital I said to friends, "I just want to go to sleep and never wake up."
Well, I "woke up" on Sunday night. What a change! I knew I had turned the corner when I was HUNGRY. Like, really hungry. And I wanted to eat anything. I went back to work this week but every day has been a chore. I get tired very quickly. It is very frustrating to not be able to function at capacity. I struggle with: guilt for not doing enough; selfcenteredness because the enemy tells me that I'm suffering "alone"; impatience because it is a slow process; anger because health issues have been piling one on top of the other and I just can't seem to get a break.
Midst all the chaos of the last two weeks, I had a scheduled procedure that was just "routine." It was the one medical appt in the last month that I didn't give a second thought to because it was just to be a normal annual thing. It ended up being anything but. A few days ago I was told I have to return this week for further testing because of "findings." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Once again I face a new medical issue with more doctors, more copays, more insurance forms, more anxiety and more decisions. I never imagined I would be handling three major health conditions at once.
So a few days ago I decided to post scripture as my facebook status every morning. Instead of posting something about ME, which usually ends up just being self-absorbed, I decided I needed to focus on God's truths. And boy, has that helped! In just a few short verses I've been reminded of God's presence, strength, deliverance, help, peace and care for me. I am certainly not alone and none of this is a surprise to Him.
But if I'm going to be totally honest, sometimes I still really do just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
