I Am Sarah

I am on a journey this year with some great friends, old and new. You can check it out here.

Today's passage was the soap opera with the well known cast of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Ishmael, Isaac. In the first episode (Gen. 16:1-2), Sarah feels led to help God along with His plan to give Abraham a family so she offers Abraham her servant Hagar. And the rest is history. If you don't know the story you can check it out for yourself throughout Genesis 16-21.

I have always struggled with this account on a certain level. I mean, come on...put yourself in Sarah's sandals. If you know and believe God's promise of a huge family to your husband, and you know your body can't possibly bear a child, wouldn't you think "maybe the reason God is delaying this promise is because He's expecting us to figure it out and solve it ourselves." You know...engage in God's work! Jump in and participate in the mission! Just as Paul A. commented on the link above, "Our tendency is to mentally weigh all the options, make the list of pros and cons, use reason and logic to solve the problem." Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Why is sitting back, waiting for years doing nothing, more "spiritual"?

As I was journaling about this today and writing all these same questions, God revealed to me how identical I am to Sarah. He reminded me of a "Sarah" experience He took me through.

Years ago I found myself involved in some heavy conflict in my place of employment. You know the type: he said/she said; deceit; desire for truth; reputation; pride; miscommunication; selfishness, etc. I thought I was to be "God's instrument" and stay and fight for the cause. Be the voice of truth. Be the catalyst to bring everything to light. Carry out God's mission. You know...be Sarah. Finally, I listened to God's voice and resigned. But that was only the beginning. Throughout the next year I remained engaged in the situation even though I didn't initiate the contacts. Phone calls, emails, meeting, etc...leaders asking for my side of the story. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. It was becoming too emotionally draining and I wasn't experiencing the forgiveness, freedom, peace and joy that I needed in order to move on with my life. So I remember one dark night lying in my bed crying out to God in frustration. Literally yelling at Him as I told Him I couldn't take this anymore. I didn't want to be involved in this situation any longer. I wanted it to be over. So at the end of my mental rant I literally yelled out loud to God, "I can't do this anymore!!" And His answer was hushed but audible, "I don't need you."

"I DON'T NEED YOU." I was immediately flooded with release. God could work without me...how profound (read with sarcasm, of course). In the days that followed I informed those still contacting me that I was no longer going to engage in the situation. They could call me if they wanted to go on a picnic (why I picked that example I'll never know!) but I would no longer discuss the conflict. It was over for me. I was free. I was moving on.

And you have probably already guessed the outcome. It took a few more years but the truth did come out...WITHOUT ME ORCHESTRATING IT. I had to get out of His way so He could work His plan. I was Sarah.

God didn't need Sarah's plan, but He still used Sarah to birth His nation...in HIS timing.
God didn't need my plan, but He still used my words...in HIS timing.

Now I understand.