Stuck

I've noticed many blogs have been silent...like mine. If your experience has been similar, you've needed the time to decide what to say. Or even whether to say anything at all. I've decided to make an attempt. I've concluded there are five topics I could write about. I will touch on each.

1. Kevin: I could spend time telling you how awesome he was and how he touched lives. We've heard the stories, read the papers, seen the news. He was a great guy. He will be missed by hundreds.

2. Suzie & the kids: I could write paragraphs about seven remaining Lawyers who have to live with pain and loss. About how much joy they bring to people's lives. About how blessed I am to have them in my life. How my life has changed because they are in it. About how they are going to be stuck with me because I'm not going anywhere!

3. Me: I could go on and on about my own pain. How I'm living in that place between chronic adrenaline and extreme exhaustion. About how torn I am that I can't fix everything for Suzie and the kids which leaves me feeling helpless. How I feel stuck like everyone else...wanting to help but not wanting to intrude. How I've learned that deep down inside I'm a truly selfish person. How I still can't pray, yet worship has taken on a whole new meaning. Odd, huh?

But I decided I really wanted to focus on the last two things...

4. The Church: I was a prenatal church member. I've never known life without attending church. (Yes, I've lived in a bubble and it's not been necessarily healthy, but that's another post for another day.) But after all those years of church experience, I have never seen the church "be the church" like I saw it this past week. And I believe that the very best witness for Christ is His body functioning exactly as He originally planned it...using their gifts for one unified purpose, expanding heaven. I was so in awe and proud of LifePoint people using their gifts in a time of pain, crisis, and even personal grief. It was family in action. Watching hundreds of people step in to orchestrate such a huge undertaking was just overwhelming. I was actually speechless. And then there are Joe and Tricia. I have been so amazed to watch them once again be incredible role models. I try so hard not to put them on a pedestal but they just keep making it so dang hard! Joe's sensitivity in all of his messages lately has been incredible. To talk about unity in the church, and anxiety, and prayer, and to brilliantly keep it focused on "it's really just about a relationship with Christ." There is no place I'd rather be going through this very challenging time than at LifePoint Church. I am so honored to be on the ride with my family.

5. My God: I've already mentioned that I can't pray yet...well, I can when I have to lead a group or my team. But between me and God...not there yet. But it's not about God...my God hasn't changed. He's still loving, still soveriegn, still in control. I'm not angry. I haven't even asked the "why?" questions. I'm not even confused about what happened. I know God is perfect and is so much bigger than our little lives in Carroll County. I know that He is going to bring souls into eternity who would have otherwise never have been there. I don't question any of that. No, God hasn't changed. So if I have the "perfect" solid, unwavering faith, why do I feel rotten all the time. Why am I so sad, empty, numb? Why do I love God but avoid Him?

On Wednesday, the day before the accident, I was driving to church and heard Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "God is God" on the radio. It stuck in my mind that day. I had no idea how much I would need to be reminded of it 24 hours later.

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

But I'm still stuck.